Why DBT Skills Feel Stupid… Until They Suddenly Don’t

If you’ve ever learned a DBT skill and thought, “I already know this,” or “This feels obvious,” or “There’s no way this is going to help me when I’m actually upset,” you are so not alone. You’re also not doing DBT wrong.

You’re doing it exactly how most people do at the beginning, honestly.

This is something I say to clients all the time, and it’s worth saying out loud here. DBT skills often feel sorta stupid before they feel helpful. Not because they are stupid, but because of how our brains and nervous systems work under stress.

When we’re emotionally dysregulated, our brains are not interested in logic, insight, or clever coping strategies. What it’s actually interested in is survival. That’s it. So when someone suggests paced breathing, temperature change, or grounding, your brain is going to roll its eyes and say, “Cute idea. Absolutely not.” And that reaction is normal.

Most of us come into therapy with a lot of insight already. You may understand why you feel the way you do. You might even know your patterns inside and out. But insight alone doesn’t always automatically translate into emotional regulation, especially when your nervous system is already on high alert and has been for some time. DBT is less about knowing and more about practicing, which can feel deeply unsatisfying at first. Think of it like learning a sport and muscle memory.

Another reason DBT skills can feel pointless early on is that they’re often introduced when you’re not yet desperate enough to need them. You might be learning skills in a regulated, chill headspace and being asked to trust that they’ll work later when things are much harder. That requires patience and a bit of faith, neither of which come easily when you’ve spent years feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

What I also think is important to mention here is that there’s a grief piece we don’t talk about enough. DBT skills are practical. They aren’t flashy, and most times, they don’t come with the big emotional release that folks are looking for. For many people, there’s some degree of disappointment in realizing that change is going to be a gradual slow burn with repetition rather than a dramatic shift. No single skill is going to fix everything, and for many, myself included, that can feel anticlimactic and frustrating.

Here’s the part that matters though... DBT skills are not designed to feel super profound in the moment. They are designed to work quietly over time by changing how our nervous system responds to stress. When we practice consistently, we reduce emotional intensity, shorten recovery time, and increase our sense of control. And unfun fact, this happens subtly, often without you noticing right away.

Most people don’t wake up one day thinking, wow, DBT really clicked today. Most days, we realize a few weeks or months later that we didn’t spiral as hard as we used to. Or we caught ourselves before reacting. Or we recovered faster after a hard moment. And that’s the work, friends. It might not be flashy, but it’s powerful.

I often tell clients that DBT skills are like building muscle memory. You don’t lift a weight once and suddenly feel strong, right? You lift it over and over, sometimes while questioning why you’re even doing this, until one day your body responds automatically. Skills work a lot in the same way. When you practice them when things are calm or mildly uncomfortable, you’re training your nervous system for when things get intense.

Another reason DBT can feel annoying at first is that it asks you to slow down in moments when everything in you wants to just speed up or act. Skills interrupt impulsive urges, and a lot of times that space can feel unbearable when we’re used to reacting quickly to get relief. Like, who wants to be present with depression or anxiety, etc.? But still, that doesn’t mean the skills aren’t working. It means they’re doing exactly what they’re supposed to do.

There’s also no moral gold star for liking DBT skills. I always tell myself and my clients that you don’t have to enjoy them, you don’t have to feel inspired by them, you just have to be willing to practice them imperfectly. Resistance doesn’t mean failure. It means you’re human.

If you’re early in DBT and feeling skeptical, bored, or even annoyed by the skills, my honest advice is this. Keep pushin. Not forever, not blindly, but long enough to give your nervous system a chance to learn something new and to see what’s up. Give it the ole college try and give them a chance to prove themselves that they’re meant to help you survive intense emotions without making things worse.

And one day, often when you least expect it, I bet you’ll find yourself using a skill without thinking about it. That’s usually the moment people stop calling DBT stupid and start calling it helpful. It’s quiet and covert most times. Maybe even a little annoying that it works, but hey, I’ll take it.

If that’s where you are right now, you’re not behind. You’re right on track!!